I believe I have a peeping Tom.



All entries from now on will be locked, as well as as many previous entries as I can lock right now.

that is all.

mini-rant- over.


after a nap, I feel much more level-headed...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRxix5TfQiw

watch itttt

senior prank today, heck yes it was awesome.





you put the pieces together:
6000 bouncy balls
a bridge that crosses over the main entrance of the school
5 guys in full body spandex, including head masks, with backpacks
a half an hour of free time between 3rd and 4th period, where people hang out in the main entrance.

I always feel so awkward on Christmas. All of my Jewish friends celebrate it.... and I'm the only one who doesn't. I end up sitting at home, wondering what the hell I'm going to do all day because everyone else within a two hour drive is celebrating....Its actually quiet awkward, as well as a wasted day of my vacation.....

we get Christmas off, why not Hanukkah? At least then I feel like I'm not the only one wasting my vacation....







....well, hes to another painfully long christmas.... cheers.

I GOT INTO COLLEGE I GOT INTO COLLEGE I GOT INTO COLLEGE!!!!

UVM to be exact.




... who cares if its not my *top* choice, I still got into a school that I really liked. I'm so psyched. I can breathe easy now.....

well, until the rest of my apps are due.... haha.

my new meds are ripping my brain to little pieces.


this fucking sucks, I dont want to deal with switching meds again. its such a hassle. ugh. I dont know how long I can handle migraines though....

damn.

never has a kiss made me feel so high as tonight.




I love you babe, and Im glad its over. I missed you so much.

I cant even start to explain how I feel right now.



a fight. Im a fuckup. I ruined it, and now Im numb and hollow inside.

and thats all I can type before I start crying again.


fuck.


I might have pushed away someone I love, and will always love, with all my heart.

and all I can do is wait for the verdict....



Im so scared.

help me.......

I feel like I'm screaming and everyone around me is look at me as if nothing is wrong. I can no longer talk to people about whats going on in my head, how terrified I am, how alone I feel, and how those comments really did hurt.....


I sit at home and wait until my parents leave so I can cry, hyperventilate until I cant breathe, then curl up till I cant feel anymore. I don't want anyone to see me cry.....

I don't know WHY I'm like this, but its starting to scare me, not that I can talk to anyone about that either.



......I'm afraid to be by myself/alone anymore. I feel like I'm a danger to myself, not that I would do anything.


I cant take much more of this.... I'm really scared.....

I dont really want to talk about most of today, its not worth it. my day sucked, basically. I did nothing. Im tired of wasting my time when I could be having fun. looking back on it, I feel like an idiot. thats all there is to it. I feel bad telling others about it, but I cant hold it in, or it gets nasty.....


I was going to write about my blackberry adventure. in my mind it was poetic, and it was just about the only thing I enjoyed today, but its too late, the moment has passed, and if I write it, I might break down again, remembering todays events. so Ill end it here..... and wish for a better day...

last night was beautiful.... crystal clear, cool, and calm. An endless sea of stars, with a wave of the milky way....it took my breath away. I almost called you back outside, to watch the stars with me, look for the hopeless romantic, but drowsy love told me I should just let you sleep.

for once, I wasnt sad, looking up at all those stars.

yellow lightning in gray cased smoke. I wanted to cry, and be with you at the same time. watch it on a blanket, cuddled under the clouds. and yet it made me feel empty. insignificant. as if each flash was taking a bit of me. It could be emptying, or hopelessly romantic. I almost called you to see if you were awake. to see if you wanted to go up the hill, lay on the grass, and watch the sky light up in its own fireworks display. but I know you're probably sleeping. warm in bed on a sea of dreams. Ive woken you up too many times, including last night, so I left you in peace, hoping to talk about it tomorrow, the beautiful sky, and maybe we can watch the sun dip below the horizon another day....

Now I'm alone, and depressed. maybe it was because of the night before I saw the sky. The one that had to do with people, pretending. I'm trying so hard, and it's getting me NO WHERE. I still don't get invited, I'm not included, and I sit there as you discuss your fucking plans in front of me, and dont bother to recognize that I'm still sitting there listening to every fucking word you say. I know you know I'm there. I know your aware of what your doing.
and it breaks my heart and makes me feel so alone these days.



You're all so blind.

and now you must excuse me, I need to cry in peace. I refuse to let anyone see me cry lately.... I feel its something I need to do in solitude. Let the tears fall where they will, and not put this on anyone else. its my fucking problem, its my own fault Ive been exiled.... let myself overreact and hyperventilate till I cant breathe anymore. then maybe, just maybe Ill feel better when I calm down....

Current mood: let them fall where they may

how come the most beautiful, clear, starry nights make me the saddest? Its so vast and amazing. dark, mysterious, and romantic. and yet I feel so empty as I stare into the endless sky... I think it might be the solitude....


I need to lay out in the stars with you.... hold you close. maybe then I can enjoy the beauty.....